I thought I could forgive anything, but a prostitute? Approximately 2 weeks prior to discovering my husband solicited a prostitute I wholeheartedly made the following statement, “There’s nothing ______ could do that I would find unforgivable, except perhaps, having children with another woman during our marriage.”
That eating crow thing, yeah – it sucks.
My story is like billions of others out there in the world. The common theme between us: we all have scars from the actions of others. It’s a fact of life. There’s no way around it. It’s painful, sometimes unjust, but it happens to everyone eventually.
I’m not exactly sure how being cheated on with a prostitute is going to shape me personally because my story isn’t over, but I know that every single day I become a different person- a shapeshifter. Some days I exhaust myself, but I am not going to stop moving forward.
The point of sharing this is not what my husband would like to think- to call him out in front of the world- it’s because I want other women who’ve been betrayed on with prostitutes and strippers to know they are not alone.
I’ve read enough books and literature on marriage and infidelity to wallpaper my 2400 square foot home at least 2 or 3 times, but only one small article from the UK that touched on the other victims that prostitution doesn’t discuss- the wives. Me. The wife down the street. The girl next door. Who knows how many are suffering? Possibly you reading this right now. The point is nobody talks about us. They discuss the victims of the sex trade and the prostitutes that get in dire straights hooked on drugs, the single mother hard up for money that can’t pay her bills, etc., etc.
Not that I am insensitive to these things- I truly am. In no way do I condone what is being done around the world to the young women who are victims, or believe that sex- trafficking is the woman or girl’s fault. The sad fact is this: it’s because of our sex- driven, maniac society that these things are profitable and exist in the first place. We as a society have created this monster-like it or not.
I get it..Men (and women) that want to justify their behavior would cling to their defenses with some cliché like, “it’s been around since the beginning of time” …True, but so has murder, so has gluttony. Does the fact that something has been around forever make it less wrong or less destructive? The point is that nobody is discussing the trauma to the silent victims on the other end-the wives.
My husband was not a sex fiend, or some crazy lunatic, or the bachelor who went out to strip joints every weekend. He was the average “Joe”. He was almost 30 when we got married – having time to “sow his oats” and enjoy the bachelor life. He was the quiet dad next door who never said much to strangers and wasn’t particularly personable to ‘strangers’ (at least, in my presence) – perhaps that’s why I thought I was safe.
We were a “traditional” family. Right-winged. Wholesome. We went to church. Now it feels like it was simply a cover.
It’s excruciating when God Himself humbles you. When I made the statement of forgiving my husband for “anything”, I never imagined he solicited prostitutes. I still don’t know if I have the whole truth, but I am trying to move forward with what I have been given.
Before I get into our story I want to share a few things with any of you who may have uncovered their husband has cheated with prostitutes or other paid “entertainment”.
I wish I could tell you that it will get better and you will be whole again, but the truth is you are now on a ride you didn’t ask to go on. This is 4 months out from uncovering what my spouse did, thousands in therapy, hours and hours of podcasts, countless books, numerous bible studies, but I’ve yet to hear anyone (including our therapist) really delve in to the betrayal when it’s with paid whores and strippers. This has been a real- life nightmare, and it hurts like no other kind of betrayal. I have been betrayed in the past with my best friend – this still does not compare in the same light.
What I can tell you is that you will have good days and bad. It will eventually get to the point that it’s not in the forefront of your mind 24/7, but you have to ride out the emotions as they come to you. Feel them, but do not allow those emotions to set up camp and paralyze you. You will want to do things to numb the pain – maybe drink a glass of wine (or 3) at night, max out those credit cards on some new shoes, maybe even the matching bag to bring you temporary comfort, but don’t stay camped out in that state of mind. You are going do things you wouldn’t normally do, say and feel things that are news to even you, and essentially become a person you and your loved ones may not even recognize at times-and that’s okay. This is your journey and heartache, not theirs.
I will soon be sharing resources and info for those of you who have just uncovered infidelity as well. I am not expert or counselor, but I have tons of information and now personal experiences that I’d like to share.
And if you’re resting in this as a “secure wife” with pity for those of us dealing with this, I promise you that my husband was not “that guy” either, or so I thought…