My Broken Heart & 1 John
Ironically, after disclosure of what I had done to my husband – having not one, but two emotional affairs during our marriage, and his cheating with paid women, I discovered my heart is not only spiritually broken now, but physically broken as well.
Shortly before I confessed my transgressions, I was having spells of extreme fatigue and dizziness. I went from running 3-5 miles 3 times a week to barely walking a mile without getting short of breath. That is about the same time I began a Precept bible study on 1 John. If you know nothing or very little about the bible, 1 John is not the book for a “new believer” to delve into immediately – unless you are prepared for God to reveal Himself in a way like you cannot imagine.
One night after beginning the study of 1 John, I made a trip to the store to get groceries. When I got home I discovered I had lost my wedding ring. God had been getting louder and louder in my head – telling me to fess up to my husband. God had been telling me that I was not going to get right with Him until I got right with the person I had sinned against – on the deepest level humanly possible.
Everywhere that I went I felt as though all eyes could see right through me and had the ability to uncover what a lying hypocrite and disgraceful person I really was. I just knew they could see every secret conversation exchanged, every fantasy thought of, every moment of intimacy I had behind my husband’s back. Eventually it got to the point where I felt there was a big scarlet letter branded on my forehead, revealing to all of my friends and co-workers what secrets I hid. As hard as it was to actually confess to my husband what I had done, it was harder to walk around like that – hearing the devil tell me I was a no-good, disgusting excuse for a wife, and God reassuring me that I was His, but I did need to do what He commanded, and that was to tell my husband I had committed adultery.
Back to the night of the lost ring, I managed to miraculously recover it at the store. I slid the ring back onto my finger and knew God was talking to me again. The act of finding my ring against unsurmountable odds, confirmed for me that I did, in fact, desire to save my marriage – more than I initially realized. I wept right there in the store with this revelation, and with the knowledge that what I was going to have to go home and tell my husband- in attempt to heal my brokenness with God, might actually cost me my marriage.There were several more events that transpired in between my study of 1 John and my spilling the beans, but the ring was the proverbial straw for me.
Perhaps the symptoms of my (physically) broken heart also caused me to want to be more transparent. I did not know what was wrong, or if I would even find out – but I feared I would go meet my Maker and He would deny me. I have no regrets about my confession to my husband, nor do I regret the emotional trauma that I’ve incurred because of his indiscretions being brought into the open. As a matter of fact, my only regret about all of this is that it did not come out sooner – causing an emotional gap over the years between us. I painfully recognize, (with excruciating clarity), what our sins have cost both of us, and unfortunately, cost our children as well.
I am in no way blaming my husband for my infidelity – that was completely and totally on me, but my husband does recognize that his solicitation of a prostitute in our first year of marriage caused his extreme withdrawal from me, subsequently shutting me out. The thing is, no matter how dark it is, there is no darkness that God does not see. All it takes is a little flicker of His light to do away with the dark. My husband and I may have disguised what was behind the curtain to an ordinary passerby, but they were never a surprise to God.
I uncovered my heart has a hole in it now – literally – that will need to be repaired. I found out about my heart shortly after our opening up about our infidelity. Although my heart remains broken in the physical aspect, emotionally it has begun to heal and regain strength – slightly stronger spiritually each day.
No sugarcoating will come from my mouth. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with in my 40 years of life, but it’s not without finding a new resilience and gratitude for the good days for which I have been blessed, and for that, I am the most grateful.