At the risk of sounding bitter, or self-degrading, I am sharing this post to reveal some of the authentic, rawness that intertwined my personal experience with infidelity and my own profession in an “off” moment. This was written a day that I was feeling a particularly high regard of pity for myself after a bad work week and fight with my husband.
I was completely unfair to not only myself, but my husband as well. I snapped at him – bursting into tears at the thought of going to court doing my job – helping someone. This was not his fault, and I take accountability for my misplaced anger and frustration. I still refuse to apologize for having a “human” moment, seeing that what I am about to say is a true testament to where we stand as a society and where lies our priorities.
Today I don’t feel like forgiving the prostitute, or the strippers. Not because I’ve been cheated on with them, but simply their means of making a living versus mine and the cost of what I do. These women (strippers & prostitutes) wake up everyday, with one goal – to make money with their bodies from men.
When I wake in the morning and get ready for work, as I put my scrubs on and make a mad dash out the door- I try to remember to say a quick prayer. I pray for the safety and wellness of the patients I will interact with during that day, as well as a prayer for myself.
My “selfish” prayer is for God to simply help strengthen my physical, as well as my mental resolve – no matter what the day brings. I also ask for a dose of mercy and grace. I pray that when I find myself lacking empathy or running short on patience- that God will give me a shot of whatever’s needed.
My profession doesn’t involve flaunting my body or turning tricks in bed. I must flaunt my brains, always be on my game, I must remain diligent. I’m expected to put my all (and then some) into everything I do. I have to be quick on my feet, best under pressure, and comfortable with having another’s life in my hands.
Most of the time I don’t even get a thank you, much less make the money in a week that a prostitute or stripper collects on a daily basis.
Then there’s the the liability. They will never have a clue what it is like to have worked non-stop for 3 days, missing lunches, never sitting for entire 13 hour shifts, titrating 10 different life-sustaining drips, performing CPR multiple times, all to save a person’s life – only to end up having the family sue you later for something beyond your control – like the bedsore of a quadriplegic patient who suffered from neurogenic shock, who couldn’t be turned due to his neurological system trying to stop his heart with simple stimulation of a fingertip.
Do I regret it? Not one single moment. Do I wish I was called to another profession? Yes, sometimes, I do.
We teach our children it’s more important to look like a Kardashian than to have values and character as humans. It’s crucial to have the looks, but Florence Nightingale? That’s so antiquated.
Sometimes I do feel like throwing in the towel. I wonder, “What is the point? Why do I break myself inside and out to try to help people who don’t appreciate it? Why? It’s my calling, that’s why. I believe we are here not just for our own self- imposed deductions, but to serve – albeit, sometimes at a cost. I do believe it would be tragic to continue to only teach our children the lessons of face value alone. What a shame that would be. I refuse to believe that all people are bad, but it’s hard to stay positive sometimes when you get bit on the hand you were using trying to feed someone.
“no good deed goes unpunished”