I’m not staring at my wound; I promise.

“But we cannot sit simply sit and stare at our wounds forever.” -Haruki Murakami

I love the little quote I borrowed from Haruki Murakami. It’s one simple sentence, but it’s so profound. Somedays I do find myself stuck in the infidelity recovery process, and try to “lick my wounds”, but, I will not allow today to be one of those days.

Today, I revel in the beauty of the morning view of rolling hills and mountains from my bedroom window, I see how spectacular and complex our God is not only visually, but feel His greatness in the presence of the masterpiece that my eyes gaze upon.

He is great not only because of this gorgeous landscape I lay my eyes upon, but the mercy He shows me when I am so undeserving.

I posted yesterday about a personal experience with my husband and “paid entertainers”, comparing my own means of occupation to theirs, indirectly stating they were undeserving of any good. That’s not entirely how I feel, and thank God He does not see things with our human eyes, and feel with our sinful human hearts. If that were the case – surely He’d strike me down for my self-righteous anger.

One of the most important lessons 1 John taught me was what I call the mirror affect. When I have thoughts and feelings such as these, the “mirror” comes up in front of me. Sometimes it’s immediately after I speak or think thoughts of judgement, sometimes it’s a slower revelation, taking my eyes a few days to adjust to the vision of truth.

What occurs is a reflection. My own actions and self deceit blind me, and I see it for what it is- lies and ego. In that very moment, I am beyond greatly humbled, I am sometimes dumbstruck at my own hypocrisy. It can be crippling – letting go of the ego. Sometimes that’s the only crutch we have.

This is when God reminds me, “Child, you’re seeing this all wrong. They (the other women) are not the enemy. You must let go of trying to control situations and other people. You mustn’t bother yourself with that now. You worry about you, and let Me worry about them.”

It’s the parent/child relationship. We wouldn’t be very good parents if we let our kids do whatever they pleased, now would we? I know I needed correction when it was revealed what my husband’s infidelity consisted of, because I had not been walking as a I should. Had I not been living in my flesh, fulfilling my own desires and lusts, my spouse may still have solicited a prostitute, but I wouldn’t have made my own mess, trying to “numb” the pain.

It’s astounding to me how clear God’s voice became after that study of 1 John. It was unbearable for me to not listen to Him. What does His voice say about my “court” situation and what the other occupation seemingly gets by with? God reminds me that He has my situation handled, and I need to pray for their situations, and love them – regardless. Seventy times seven…

Have you had any experience where God reminded you of your own selfish ways and self-righteousness, even mid-sentence? Did you listen, and were you able to correct it?

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Life, Infidelity, and Thereafter

One thought on “I’m not staring at my wound; I promise.

  1. Ah, the roller coaster ride of emotions from your last post to this one. I think that is why it is important to not feel defeated in our down moments. When you are truly recovering and God is doing a deep healing in your heart those times don’t stay, and actually teach us new lessons. We need the valleys as much as the peaks for true spiritual and personal growth and healing.

    Yes, I have had many experiences in the last three years of my recovery where God has held up the mirror to me. Too many to write here. I haven’t always listened, haven’t always corrected it, but once I began to more often, it has become more natural. It has almost become a new default response for me. I recognize my sinful attitudes and thoughts more easily and it has become harder to ignore them. Sometimes, it will be like, ah shucks, I have to make amends again…..

    Liked by 1 person

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