How many triggers tonight?

Wonder how many triggers I’ll have to deal with tonight? When my 11 year old son first asked if we’d take him to the carnival that’s in town this week, I dreaded the crowd and forced interactions with people I don’t care much to socialize with, but thought I’d suck it up for the sake of my son.

What I wasn’t thinking about was the exposure to my triggers – little “shocks” to my brain that I get when I am with my spouse and we see another attractive woman. This is hypersensitivity I now suffer, as a result our disclosure – well, the part of his disclosure.

Ever since I uncovered what happened I have had a hard time going anywhere public with him and seeing another attractive woman. She could be 19, or she could be 40. She can be tall or short, classy and well-dressed, or scantily clad with trashy heels – doesn’t matter. I still feel my throat get tight, my stomach sink, and my chest pound.

How much of this can a person take? How healthy is it to suffer from this on a regular basis?

So, I wonder.. how many triggers will I suffer tonight? I will try to remain in control of my head instead of allowing it to control me, but that “flicker” of what my husband’s done is still going to flash in front of me – whether I like it or not. Perhaps I should have came alone..

Prayers for a good, “trigger-less” night.

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Life, Infidelity, and Thereafter

2 thoughts on “How many triggers tonight?

  1. Oh, how nothing remains unaffected and untouched by sexual betrayal. Even an innocent trip to the carnival with your son. The rawness of your pain and anxiety breaks my heart. I want to thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your brokenness and allowing me and others to support you and help carry your pain. And I hope someone, somewhere, reads your post so they can begin to comprehend the depth and width of the affects of sexual betrayal trauma. (((Hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I certainly hope so Cynthia. For the record- it ended up being a minimally triggering event for me. It was a good night out with my son and husband and I was glad I went. But it is something I encounter every time I am out in public with him now. People don’t realize the damage sexual betrayal does to your psyche. It truly is a trauma to the brain, like PTSD in emotional form. ((Hugs))

      Liked by 1 person

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