I’ve heard people describe infidelity discovery and recovery as a roller coaster. That is a decent description, and also one that I’ve used myself, but I feel it’s more accurate to say it’s like an off – road adventure.
There’s been very few moments of “fun” like a roller- coaster would imply though. It’s felt more like hopping into a truck (that’s ill -equipped to go off the paved course), and attempting to plow over monstrous rocks, all while pulling another vehicle simultaneously uphill. Then as you are about to make the peak, your engine begins to give way, you start to roll backwards and your brakes are failing now as you feel the anticipated terror of plummeting down the mountain….continuously..over and over you try..
The point is that very little of it has been tolerable, at best. The one exception was the bouts of exhilarating sex initially (sometimes multiple times daily), that fueled us for about the entire first month. I won’t lie- that part was fun and absolutely nothing short of fabulous, but it was more of a primitive response, built out of fear.
I feared the loss of my husband initially, it drove me to a maddening level of desperation, doing whatever I could to draw him close. I desired nothing more than to have him make love to me, yet in the midst of it – I’d breakdown and bawl – burdened by flashes of what he’d done. Sometimes I wept silently, with my face away so that he wouldn’t know. Sometimes it was not so easily hidden; he would stop and look at me, and we’d both be in complete despair – not knowing any way to fix the other’s hurt. That was our way of attaching.
Some time (along with counseling and personal studies) have passed since our “primitive days.”
I described in my previous post, there have been stages to the process. There will be days of hope, then days of grief. Of recent, I was battling some significant depression.
My one and constant solace now is surrendering. God taught me that there is a wrong way, and a right way to deal with life. The only way to know the correct path is in His Word.
But I’ve been stubborn, and once again, He humbles me.
Combatting some of my own personal hang ups, I’ve wanted to share some scriptures that have helped me. If you are also getting stuck in some of the following areas, you may find some of it useful. It also revealed to me my own sins (which I preface the scriptures with below) I was committing by living in fear..
My demanding to know a why
Be content to know who is in charge (Romans 8:28-30) It wouldn’t matter if I had a clear cut why, no answer would be good enough for my human, sinful ego and mind. I have to practice letting go of needing all the answers.
Withdraw from God and others (one of my favorite alone benches below)
Acknowledging He is always with you, keep fellowship with others (Heb 10 & 13) I’ve sat alone in my room 70% of the time the last few weeks. That is not how God wants us to live. On top of that- I wasn’t in His Word. The further I withdraw from God, the more space I give for sin.
Looking for my own solutions (this is a tough one for me!!)
Trust in the Lord to guide – LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING (Prov 3:5,6) Again, I had to let go of the need to control, understanding that God has this, but I have to lean into faith.
And, of course, the root – FEAR. Fear of the unknown, fear of repeat adultery, fear of abandonment
For this reason I endure all things for the sake of those who are chosen, so that they may also obtain the salvation which is in Christ Jesus, and with it eternal glory. It is a trustworthy statement, For if we died with Him, we will also live with Him, if we endure, we will also reign with Him, if we deny Him, He also will deny us. (2 Timothy 2:10-12)
The last one might not sound as fitting, but really it sums everything up in entirety. If I believe, no matter what I fear, that I will endure, then I should aspire even more to do so for the sake of non-believers who may watch and wonder about Christ. I am doing a disservice to other believers if I have no mercy or graciousness and stay stuck in my own pity.
I will endure. Today the suffering will be on hold.