You read that correctly.
Years ago, approximately the 7 year itch mark, I refused to allow my marriage to become stale. I prided myself on not being a prude. I watched porn with my husband, I performed whenever I thought he desired, there even came a point that I offered a threesome. Yep. I truly, wholeheartedly believed that if I was exciting and adventurous enough, that those attributes alone would keep my man not only happy, but faithful.
I was one of those women that you might have overheard self- righteously saying, “If she kept her man happy, he wouldn’t have to cheat.”
Change the circumstances to a man being busted with a prostitute, and yep, some similarly atrocious statement would have undoubtedly come from my mouth.
Why did I think porn, acting as a sex maniac, and offering up a threesome would keep my husband faithful? Who knows, but I did. I was prideful and haughty. I was a hot mess, desperately trying to figure out why my husband had a wall between us.
Of course, during that time frame I was about as far away from my faith as I’d ever been, and surprisingly, my husband did not take me up on that offer for the extra in the bedroom. I had no idea at the time that it was because of his own insecurities and that he’d already been cheating. He didn’t need added excitement, he already had it on the side.
I told myself he’s just quiet and reserved. He’s insecure. He’s not like most men.
I was married previously to a man that I dated in high school. He was a serial cheater, and I knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of infidelity. After that experience, I refused to be turned into a bitter prude. I was determined to be a different woman next time around – and I was.
It was an extravagant cost. I sold my dignity, self – respect, and trust in God to a man that I made the center of my world. A man I was determined to keep happy at all costs – so long as he came home to me, and remained faithful. The price I ponied up was a complete loss. God got me on this one. He revealed to me what my pride and ego refused to allow me to see before – that I needed Him.
So, coming back around to what I used to be – the woman who was liberated, free, and judging of other women who were betrayed by their spouses with prostitutes, porn, affairs, etc. I am no more. There still remains a plethora of these women though. I was shown my own, old reflection not long ago in a stigmatic way. She was a pastor’s wife working alongside me one day.
The topic of prostitution came up. (Keep in mind this was about two weeks after I discovered my own husband’s unfaithfulness with a prostitute). Somewhere amid the conversation she turned to me and said something along the lines of the following :
‘You know, as women, we have a responsibility to perform in the bedroom and keep our husbands satisfied. That is one of our duties God calls on us as a wife. If a man seeks sex with a prostitute it may be because she is not doing as she should.’
Ladies & gents- this is why people don’t go to church..
What a gracious thing to say. I wanted to smile and sarcastically say, “Wow, ‘Susan’! Thanks for the profound reminder and keeping me in check!”
It took everything in me not to gouge her eyes out with the pen I held clinched in my fist. My flesh was overtaken; my blood began to boil.
Somehow, I managed to paste together some form of intelligence and said something along the lines of, ‘You need to shut up. You have no idea what you’re talking about.’
She didn’t press on. What could she say? What could I say though? I used to be her. I would have made a foolish statement such as that at one time, until God humbled me.
I hope one can appreciate the contrast of the person I once was, and how the foolish tools I used to attempt to control my life and relationship ironically, backfired.
I don’t like to think of myself a prude now, but I’m definitely enlightened. To say I’ve broken my own heart would be, a massive understatement.