Quiet Scares Me

I don’t like the quiet. I don’t like the stillness. I suppose it’s because it makes my own thoughts and voices become louder and unbearable. I don’t like what my “inner voice” says sometimes.

It tells me to be insecure, be ashamed, feel guilty, feel dirty, be mad for the horrid things that not only I myself have done, but for the things that people I have entrusted have done to break me.

That’s why I’ve been silent. I’ve been busy trying to muffle the yelling and bad breath of my inner self.

Funny thing about coming off of self-medication. While I’ve been on and off meds to numb my legitimate pains, and it has served me well in many respects with the ability to do my job, etc. It’s also numbed the good. The happy. The joy.

Lately I’ve noticed bouts of feelings that I haven’t felt in years..

Worthiness.

Wholeness.

Acceptance… of myself.

That’s going to be a problem for some. For others, I think they will be happy I am back.

“Popularity breeds contempt.”

-some dude

Not that I was ever that popular- far from it.

I was certainly liked by my people though. That’s what matters. Getting to the root of who we are, and coming to a place where we are settled with it.

Here’s to all the others out there looking for your lost mojo today. Whether it’s self-guilt riddling you, or the mark of a scar left by another.. don’t stay down for the count. Get back up, and when you do- don’t be surprised when some try to hinder your success of standing on your own. There will always be haters tossing objects at you from the cheap seats.

And tell any of those people that may have quieted you because of your shine to go suck a lemon. Get your voice back. Even if it squeaks at first- it will get stronger. You have to nurture it and practice to grow any muscle.

Happy Friday Friends

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Life, Infidelity, and Thereafter

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