Sometimes I find my crazy, sometimes it finds me by pounding me upside the head without warning. Then, other times, it creeps slowly, growing and overtaking my thoughts like the kudzu that overtakes our property. You cut it back, but gradually, while you sleep and work, it sneaks back in and covers the yard like a blanket. Its a real pain in the arse.
(FYI- if you are unfamiliar with kudzu, it’s all over the trees in the photo I’ve taken)
I’d recently let the ‘crazy’ kudzu grow and overtake my mental stability. It was a dark, ominous being hovering low to the ground, beginning to smother and seep into the cracks in my brain- just like the way that kudzu finds itself in every corner of our yard.
I was reading my own written words today that I’d wrote while journaling a few months back about this guilt. What was I feeling guilty about? Simply being alive. There’s the crazy kudzu..
I was in a dark and weird space. Recently having had new medical problems, and diagnosis, etc. and bills accumulating more each day, I began to feel the weight of my own existence becoming unbearable to carry.
I read the words I wrote in August and it makes me want to comfort myself (for once). Not because I deserved pity, but because I did need a rational hand of empathy and encouragement. My brain was not working properly.
One day my husband gave me the ‘you’re the glue that holds the family together’ spill. It wasn’t until I chose to open my eyes, and began witnessing firsthand that the fabric of the family was, indeed, pulling apart. I had one of two choices- I could stay there and continue to let it all go, or I could do something. Anything was better than nothing. I chose the latter.
I took baby steps- paying a few bucks here and there towards this bill or that. Selling this or that to pay some more.
Then, one morning I decided to try 21 days. I wanted to do something different for the next 21 days that I had not done previously. I marked day 21 on my calendar, set an alarm, and got to work.
Why the 21 days? I just wanted to see what I could do in 21 days time. (seems I may have read this theory about habits developing in that amount of time somewhere). I had nothing to lose.
The alarm went off one day without me ever realizing that the 21 days had passed.
It worked. I somehow blew by the 3 weeks without noticing, nor remembering that I had set a goal to begin with.
As a matter of fact, when the alarm went off, I cried. I cried because I was somewhat a different person than went I set that bell. I had forgot about even setting the alarm – or goal. It was extremely empowering.
The rules of new habits were:
- It had to at least be somewhat enjoyable
- It had to be productive (in some way)
- Some part of the habit had to be ‘for me’ – whether making money, or something for my health
- I had to do “it” (new patterns) everyday for 21 days
That’s it. Simple and uncomplicated.
I’m glad to have cut some of crazy kudzu back for now.
Funny how the brain works..
Never underestimate its power, nor the power of where your thoughts can lead you, or where you could be in 21 days.