A Confession, An Apology

I wish I could attest that I’ve always walked with integrity as the Brene Brown quote says, but I digress. It’s easy to say you would NEVER do something, until you do that something.

I don’t fit exactly into any category squarely when it comes to the infidelity clicks.

Yes, I was betrayed. Yes, my H cheated with paid sex workers (and no, I didn’t have a clue). And yes, the pain is as deep when your husband pays a stranger as it is when they fall in love with someone else. My first husband left me pregnant with our 3rd child for another woman, so I’ve tasted both bitter dishes.

Anyhow, I was a betrayer as well. I wish I could pretend it was as innocent as some would play it off to be, but the fact remains that I had conversations that I surely wouldn’t want others to read.

I won’t get into detail, as there is no need to invoke more triggers, but the second emotional affair partner I had was, indeed, married.

I became the other woman.

I’ve felt called to write this post for a while, but how do you tell others you were a reason for their pain?

Reading the words of other betrayed women while remaining faithful to their husbands is hard to stomach sometimes – as it should be. There is no action without consequence.

I suppose a part of me felt what I did to be a sort of ‘just dessert’ to his wife. Seeing how my affair partner’s wife had slept with my ex-husband.

What can I say? Life in a small town can be quite trite.

Believe it or not, a need for vengeance upon her is not what stirred my indulgence in an affair with her husband. Mere circumstance, curiosity, history, and my selfish need for attention made the recipe for my willingness to cross a line I said I’d never.

Although payback was not initially on the agenda, it felt good to be on the giving end of pain for once.

That good feeling was short-lived. I know now that a need for vengeance shouldn’t be part of my character. (I’m still working on it)

God must’ve been shaking His head when I tried a million ways to rationalize my actions.

There was no sex, yet it was still an affair. There is just no way to sweeten it. That makes me one of the bad guys.

I knew that his story of his marriage being on the rocks and that he was separated was likely bogus. My rational brain knew better, it just wouldn’t make me do better at the time. The only piece of dignity I can walk away with is the fact that I refused to sleep with him. I still was not innocent.

For what it’s worth..

To the fellow betrayed, here’s the apology from the other woman.

Perhaps you can take a slight comfort in reading about how I did receive a penalty of my own – the knowledge that the love of my life did cross the sexual line with women – other than me – and paid to do so.

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Life, Infidelity, and Thereafter

2 thoughts on “A Confession, An Apology

  1. You are sweet, and brave, and authentic and vulnerable. And I always love that about you Michelle. I don’t know how far back you have read in my story, but I have a similar post as yours – Trading Labels for Tiaras where I also say I don’t fit entirely in either infidelity circle. I have been betrayed and I have betrayed. At first, it made me a little uncomfortable here on WordPress, not sure about trying to support and encourage others or seek it, when I was wearing both hats. But it is such a beautiful, accepting community here. I was going to say we could start our own circle, but we don’t really need to. There is lots of love here to go around, no matter what our messes include or don’t include. Just keep being beautiful, genuine you, because I like her a lot. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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